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May 17th, 2005
![[info]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/userinfo.gif) opalsky | 12:46 am
would it be so bad to be loved? i used to think if i pretended to hate it enough it would never hurt me. but it has, and for all my hating it, im never protected enough. ive gotten to the point where i crave human contact, but im too afraid to let people touch me. im always afraid that rather than love me, the persons touch will hurt me. these days im not so sure i dont want either one. i want to say, go ahead and be near me, pet me, hit me, do what you will, but please dont just leave me alone. ive been alone so long, in relationships that never amounted to anything, and just made me more afraid of being touched. when you are repulsed by your lover, life is a little unbearable. their touch feels like a slap, they caress you and you want to vomit. i had gotten so used to feeling that way that I almost forgot what it was like to actually want to be touched. to be held and pet. i know i cling too much to things. and i know im a horrid person. but i still need. and i hate that too. i want to be able to hide away and not need love or attention. but then when i get that, i demand to be stroked and loved and spoken to. not even kindly. you can yell at me... when im lonely, ill take anything you can throw at me. which is why ive been used so many times. the people ive loved have known that.
im so tired.
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