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February 28th, 2004

04:19 pm ok. sorry for the behavior lately, I know Ive been acting like a fuckin psycho. Im just feeling pretty run down and run over. things are bad with the boyfriend, things are bad with the family, and all my buddies are out of town. I feel like an island here. lol. Im sure things are gonna get better soon, one way or another. Ill be getting some more work pretty soon, Harmon will figure out what he wants. it probably wont be a life that includes me, but I have to be ok with that. I love him and I would rather that he was happy than with me. and he hasnt been happy with me for a while. My uncle is here because his wife left him and he may be dying, so theres an extra person around that I have to worry about constantly. I dont like the extra people in my house... I feel like my sanctuary is being violated. so thats got me on edge as well. Im missing all my friends now that Im feeling a little less antisocial... and I realize how horrible Ive been being lately to them, so the fact that they stuck by me through my latest crisis makes me realize just how special a group of people they are. thank you guys. Im really hoping things will work out the way I want them to.... and Im really hoping for something to keep my mind off all the negative feelings Ive been having lately. something must come along right? ah well... one can hope. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Silverchair~ emotion sickness

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February 25th, 2004

05:06 pm wonder why people think Im fuckin nuts? lol Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Nine Days~ If I Am

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01:11 pm I forgot how much pain makes you feel alive. I think that Im most alive when theres something sharp and painful hurting me in some way... something to push me, make me realize that Im not permanent. that this could be over in just a few seconds if I wanted it that way... even if I didnt sometimes. life is fragile, but without pain I feel immortal. I feel like nothing changes, everything is permanent and always will be. I feel like the people I love will always love me, the people who hate me will for eternity and this reality is going to continue forever without change. thats the way Ive felt for months now. sleep all the time, make a phone call, take a moment to IM someone. everyday things I do for months at a time like clockwork. sometimes I wake up later, sometimes I fall asleep sooner. but all the same things wait for me when I get out of my bed. when Im in pain at least the tasks take on a new flavor. Im running the risk that someone will see the blood, someone will see the cuts... maybe Ill get sick again, maybe medicine wont work and Ill end up in a hospital. who knows what can happen when you open pandoras box. god Im pathetic Current Mood: crushed

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09:38 am Im sorry for the entry I deleted. I was frenzied and hurt and pissed off. that was no reason to write such hateful things. Im sorry I hurt the man I love, and Im sorry I said what I said about another person I used to care about. if I could take it back completely, I would. but since its been written and read, I cant. and all I can do is be sorry for it. Current Mood: contemplative

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02:51 am chivalry isnt dead afterall... and I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful man in my life to take care of me and make things right. Current Mood: contemplative

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12:52 am and I thought I was doing so much better.... old habits die hard right? Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Nine Days~ Story of A Girl

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February 16th, 2004

11:17 pm what a shitty day. I found out Im going to have to wear a heart moniter for 2 weeks because my ekg is crazy, get a brain scan sometime in the next 2 weeks...and oh the fun, and get all kinds of blood drawn tomorrow. this is all because I actually gave in and got a damned physical and wanted my thyroid checked. I hate my life... it seems like every time I start to be getting well physically and mentally someone throws a monkey wrench into the works. grrr... Current Mood: worried

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February 9th, 2004

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February 3rd, 2004

10:15 pm Im miserable... Ive been crying all day and all I want to do is curl up and disappear. I have no friends... Ive deleted my entire buddy list because all it does is makes me realize what a loser I am and that I have nothing. everyone goes on with life and I cant even handle it. I cant even handle getting up most mornings... I sleep for 12-15 hours a day just because its the only thing I can do to escape. the only place Ive been since Sunday was the grocery store... and I didnt even want to go there because it meant Id have to shower and get out of my pajamas... yes I have become completely pathetic. it just feels like such a waste of time to shower and make myself look decent when I know that no one cares and that no one is going to see me anyway... I wish I would just fade away... I used to be afraid of it, but now I wish for it more than anything. Current Mood: exhausted

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January 26th, 2004

09:57 pm Im so pissed off tonight... Im sick of everything and I cant wait to get out of this town. everyone elses lives are so much more interesting than mine... everyone at Panera had a story to tell except for me... and the people I was hearing stories from were still in highschool. I hate everything tonight. Im sick of feeling like shit about myself, Im sick of everything I love being hundreds of miles away, Im so tired of this weather I could just die. Im miserable to put it clearly. I need to go somewhere warm and exciting... somewhere that doesnt have rules and boredom and everyday things. god.. I am so sick of this bullshit. maybe when the job picks up Ill feel better about it. maybe when I turn into someone else Ill feel better about things. Current Mood: crappy

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January 24th, 2004

10:31 pm why doesnt anyone update anymore... Im thinking of just making this private because it doesnt seem like anyone else is writing anyway... I dont get it. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Everywhere

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January 23rd, 2004

07:03 pm WOOOOOO! WOOO WOOOO!!!!! I GOTS ME A JOB! AND A GOOD ONE TOO!:D Current Mood: excited Current Music: Brand New Key

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January 22nd, 2004

02:07 pm here I am at Harmons...totally bummed because Im not going to be able to see my friends,who I really wanted to see tomorrow. it makes me sad, if I didnt have to work then Id be able to stay... but I cant. its just not fair. ah well.. maybe I can come visit them another time. I was hoping getting out of Phoenix would help me with my perspective, but all I can think is that I wanna be curled up in bed and just let the rest of the world pass me by. but I cant do that... no one will let me. I have a job interview coming up... I dono how it'll go, Ive lost most of my faith in this job search thing...Ive been looking for over a month without luck. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Semisonic~ Closing Time

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January 19th, 2004

12:12 pm I feel so much better now... watch as it runs out Current Mood: crushed

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January 15th, 2004

10:24 pm my wonderful baby comes home tomorrow, I cant wait to see him. I miss him being at college, I suppose its mostly because I feel pretty static lately. I cant even come up with good things to write. loneliness is not a fun poem thing to write about. maybe Ill try anyway nerves jump, heart beat racing. life goes on, you want to move. stuck in a hollow shell, trapped in mid-air not flying, not falling. I sit in the dark. hope someday someone releases me. hope to have the courage to release myself my mind dies, I become dull living in nothing, music becomes mundane nature becomes a void. I dont even like to leave the house much anymore. its like I look at the same white wall and computer screen all day... I dont sleep well anymore, I dont feel like doing anything. I dont go on walks, I dont make snow people. I dont even walk the dog. I haul wood, feed horses and escape back into the house as soon as chores are done. I dont feel like the outside world accepts me anymore. I feel like Im violating its ever-changing motion. I feel that because Im stuck in pause I dont belong where life is going on. I dont even feel like I belong with other people lately. I have nothing interesting to relate or say... they're all doing different and interesting things and all I can say Im doing is becoming rot. it makes me sick to think of it that way. maybe this is the way old people feel, useless and helpless and mindless. its horrible... all I know is how shitty I feel all the time. I try to be positive. I cant be happy or sad... I cant be upset, I make things up so I can at least be mad. I force myself to go on, to feel anything lately. I dont even want to half the time. I want to stay in my bed and just disappear into time. I dont think something better is ahead for me... I pray that at least its something different. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Manson~ New Shit

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06:40 pm *screams in frustration* I feel like Im sitting here stagnating... Im so fuckin bored. I need something exciting to do. If it were summer Id go bridge jumping, but its not so Im stuck in the house being bored. I want something exhilarating to do. maybe I oughtta go be a race car driver or a stunt person... but I guess that would get old too. I wanna do something no one has ever done before. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Marvin Gaye~ Got To Give It Up

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January 13th, 2004

11:50 am this is me getting back to being more positive. yes I am. Im lucky and things are gonna get even better. stop being negative. nothing good comes from it. and on a more positive note*or something* my right leg hurts so bad I could just die. or cut the fucker off. never again will I allow someone to play with needles in my hip. damn doctor hit a fucking nerve and said what? oh yeah, he said "well shit, I didnt mean to do that! Im sorry!" I will kill his family and possibly everything he's ever loved, as soon as I can walk again. Current Mood: sore Current Music: Dar Williams~ Fishing in the Morning

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January 12th, 2004

05:43 pm Im so bored. Im sick of it. no one will hire me because I fucked up my last 2 jobs. its not fair, I think a criminal could get hired faster than I could. I need something to do all day, but there doesnt seem to be any options for someone whos not in college at the moment and needs a goddamn job. I know I fucked up the last two jobs, and I dont plan to do it again, but no one is willing to give me a chance. I hate it. people suck. ah well... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: GooGooDolls~ Name

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05:32 pm I need a fuckin job. its not fair. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Moon River~ Frank Sinatra

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January 11th, 2004

11:23 pm hehehe... 2 years to over 40,000 a year. way to go me. I knew bullshitting around for 2 years would eventually pay off.lol Current Mood: excited Current Music: Dido~ White Flag

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