Courtney

Tue, 24 May 2005 03:32:04 GMT

im like a mirror. shattered, spiderwebs
i pick up the pieces to cut myself apart
if i show you my pain outside maybe you'll understand whats inside
cracks, tears, pain and blood
these are the things i am made of.

sugar and spice and everything nice outside.... blood and spit and tears and hate inside.

why dont you just get out and leave me to my misery?

to die would be a great adventure.

it looks like something special, but i know it cant be. because i dont deserve. ive never been good enough. just a broken doll. not worth the time to care for.

Im so damned cynical sometimes. anyone who says anything nice to me immediately becomes a liar. no matter what they say. what does that say about me? im so lame.

Tue, 17 May 2005 04:52:34 GMT

would it be so bad to be loved? i used to think if i pretended to hate it enough it would never hurt me. but it has, and for all my hating it, im never protected enough. ive gotten to the point where i crave human contact, but im too afraid to let people touch me. im always afraid that rather than love me, the persons touch will hurt me. these days im not so sure i dont want either one. i want to say, go ahead and be near me, pet me, hit me, do what you will, but please dont just leave me alone. ive been alone so long, in relationships that never amounted to anything, and just made me more afraid of being touched. when you are repulsed by your lover, life is a little unbearable. their touch feels like a slap, they caress you and you want to vomit. i had gotten so used to feeling that way that I almost forgot what it was like to actually want to be touched. to be held and pet. i know i cling too much to things. and i know im a horrid person. but i still need. and i hate that too. i want to be able to hide away and not need love or attention. but then when i get that, i demand to be stroked and loved and spoken to. not even kindly. you can yell at me... when im lonely, ill take anything you can throw at me. which is why ive been used so many times. the people ive loved have known that.

im so tired.

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 04:50:47 GMT

fucking hell. i am so sick of males. i am sick of their bullshit... "oh i really want someone i can talk to, i dont want some stick figure girl. i want someone who would wear sweats around me and watch the game"... yea fucking right. as soon as a girl with a pair of jeans one size too small walks in the room, theyre drooling all over her and wondering if shes legal. im so sick of it. i try to talk to people, and they act like im a friggen chore or burden. it hurts. alot. theyre too busy playing games or trying to figure out how to get in so and so's pants to realize youre a living being who needs some kind of comfort once in a while. all i want is for someone to care about me for once. to realize that i adore them and that when they treat me like dirt, or like a brush-off buddy, it fuckin hurts. im getting to the end of my rope here, and i dont know what to do about it. im just tired of being the chubby girl that people keep around for amusement. I am not here to fucking entertain you until you find something better. i
am so sick of it.

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:47:54 GMT

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

Which Depressed Icon Is You? by drunkaholic
Name
Age
Your Icon

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Sign:
Gemini Planet: Mars Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 05:35:29 GMT

I feel so funny...

It has been an interesting couple of days.... I went camping with Harmon, and that went ok. Hes not much of an outdoorsy type though, so I dont think he really enjoyed it and it kinda made me feel bad... but thats ok, next time I promised my brothers I would take them, so we'll go up there and cause trouble and run through the forests and streams like wild things..... I miss it.

I saw spider man 2 tonight.... it was the most touching movie. I cried, I laughed.... it I dont want to ruin it for those that havent seen it, but it was just too good.

..... Found true love, lost your heart. Now you dont know who you are.....

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 03:31:25 GMT

I am so concieted.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 01:33:16 GMT

I dont know whats going on. I want to go out. I want to be crazy. I want to do something really fucking stupid and live to tell about it. on the way home I actually contemplated driving my car into something... like a tree or a river.... but then decided against it because I cant afford a new vehicle right now. shit, I cant even afford this vehicle right now.

Im so sick of snotty prissy bitches who think theyre so much better than everyone else. Im sick of people who have their lives handed to them on a silver platter and then bitch because they cant have a brand new car or some such shit.

anyway, you should have seen the outfits some of the people at panera were wearing today. it was like I was stuck in a parallel dimension where Barbie's fashion advice ruled the world. a neon green flippy, terry cloth skirt.... completed with a white half shirt with pink stars and clear plastic shoes with pink spike heels. pink lace up sandals with glitter in the heels.... a girl with a marilyn monroe tattoo (love marilyn but not on an arm thats flabby and un-toned).

mom is still pissing me off... I hate how changeable she is.

someone give me an adventure... this average life is getting to me.

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 04:39:59 GMT

havent written here for a long time. I got a livejournal and its been there that I have written all my creepy little thoughts. but somehow this always feels better to write in. maybe Im just in a dark mood tonight, maybe its because I have officially become the disgrace to my family. for some reason I always thought it would be my younger brother. Ive always done whatever my mother wanted me to do, always followed all her instructions. I didnt even date in highschool because it wouldnt have made my family happy. so Im finally trying to figure out what makes me happy, and she tells me I am a disgrace to my family, Im embarassing them and that I have pushed my brothers into a depression and have caused them to not want to attend school or college. I dont understand how Ive done all that. just because college isnt for me, it doesnt mean that everyone else is going to follow suit. my brothers are not lemmings, they will do what they feel is best for them. at the moment what I feel is best for me is full time work and a place of my own to live. I need to get out and figure out what I want to do. I have been in a major I hate for almost 2 years, and I really know nothing about myself. so the time for self exploration is now, in my opinion. I havent found me at college, so maybe Ill find myself somewhere else.

so damned cute... go check it out. I used a subject for this

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 14:17:35 GMT

I adopted a cute lil' dragon fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 22:31:22 GMT

You are the Aqua Marine Mermaid. You are pure and
brave. Strong and True. Your best freind is
your seahorse, your steed. You have fought many
battles in your own life and in the sea. No
matter what challenge you overcome it.
Congratulations there are very few of you.
Would you rate my quiz for I am brave too?

What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
"May barbarians invade your personal
space!"
You are highly confrontational and possibly in a
bad mood. You would have sworn in this quiz,
if I had made it an option.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a fire shadow. The feathery glow of your
source makes you spritely and active. You love
to experience many things and you want to take
in the entire world. You are constantly
flickering, darting from one experience to the
next. You have heat, energy, magic, and
charisma and hold the power of beauty and
destruction. However, the dying of your embers
is a corrupting fear. Learn to accept that you
cannot possess so much raw energy
forever.(please rate my quiz cuz it took me for
freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

ok, I think Im done being this bored now... I need a hobby.:P

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 21:17:35 GMT

I HATE THIS NEW FORMAT! DEADJOURNAL IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET!

it looks like livejournal... cheerful prissy assed livejournal... I have another journal for when I wanna be cheerful, and THIS AINT IT!

this had better be some sick april fools day joke.... for their sake at least... I will hunt down and kill whoever tried to burn out my retinas this morning.I mean seriously, picture this: goddamned white light...ME: Im not ready yet lord! its not my time to die!! dont take me! creepy angelic voices: COME INTO THE LIIIGHT! ME:FUCK THIS SHIT! *falls out of her chair and cracks her head on the desk*

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 22:41:53 GMT

OW OW OW! it hurts so bad.

I was out in the field trying to catch the horses this evening, because the family is going out to dinner and then Im sure we're going to do something else, and as I was running past the run- in I stepped down on the wrong goddamned thing. apparently Madine broke off part of the run in today kicking and acting like the asshole that she is. so of course as I come running up the side of it I step right on the board she kicked off. and right onto the nail in the board. it went almost all the way thru my toe. my shoe was filled with blood and on top of that I had to walk through mud and horse shit to get to the house to get the damned thing taken care of. currently I can feel my heart beat in my foot and the sucker just wont stop bleeding. I have to start antibiotics and I have to get a tetnus shot tomorrow... which is the worst part. I hate shots. I guess Im just glad that the horses didnt step on it considering if they went lame we'd have to shoot em and Jake would be heartbroken... even if the bastards did it to themselves. lol. ah well, I wonder how hard it will be to drive, since it went thru my right foot.

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 21:38:22 GMT

in recent news:

well here I am all signed up for summer classes... how exciting. Im taking physics 1 and psychology. physics is gonna be Mondays Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:30pm and is 30 days long and psych is 15 but its every day (mondays thru fridays) at 9am. the whole getting up before noon thing makes me sad, but I need to play catch up for the semesters I missed. Im going to have to take a shitload of crap courses because I withdrew so late in the semester last fall. so Ill have to get good grades to erase all that. plus if I want to get into Cortland in 2005-2006 Im going to have to get my gpa past a 3.0 by quite a few points. Im not sure if I even want to go to college anymore, but I want to make money and without a college education Im pretty much screwed.

and now for summer:

My summer is going to suck hardcore. I dont talk to most of my old friends anymore and all the people from college are far away during the summer. not to mention between working and classes Ill be lucky if I have time to sleep. I dont know how well Ill handle all the busy-ness... I havent had anything to do for about 4 months now. I hope I can find time to spend with Harmon, and maybe make time for old friends too, even though most of them wont even be home or arent really people who associate with me anymore. ah well. I hope I get time to go to the beach at least once... and Id like to get a tan, even though that doesnt seem likely looking at my schedule.

more whining

alright, I think Im done bitching about how busy Im going to be... afterall I did it to myself right? and psych wont be that hard, Ive already taken most of it once. and physics wont be too hard, its a summer course afterall, they cant make you that miserable when the weather is nice out. Im glad its in the evening though, I dont think Id be able to turn my brain on long enough to be any use in the class if it was before noon.

Im thinking about taking alot of different courses this fall too. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so Im thinking the next 2 semesters ought to be dedicated to at least getting some direction in mind. Im going to take some philosophy, astronomy, biology and anthro first semester.... if I can get into the classes at least. Im glad Im not a freshman anymore, because then it would be completely impossible to get into any classes I want. which would make me a sad and lost girl. lol.

ok, I think Im done here, I just needed to bitch and worry a bit.

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 06:07:07 GMT

so... what a fucking night. I havent been that trashed since Cortland. man it was a nice time... though I dont think anyone is going to invite me back soon. I polished off close to a case if not more last night. it was bad, I dont drink like that normally. but being me I thought, in my infinite wisdom, that if I had a few beers Id be less nervous about the party and Id be able to have a good time... well I didnt worry about the party thats for damn sure. I also started chain drinking... it was bad once again. I had a wicked good time playing beer pong, it was my second time ever and Harmon was my partner (and he doesnt drink), and I really liked flip cup.... Id never played that before, so it was something new and exciting. I dont usually play drinking games because Im not really a joiner, but I figured what the hell since I was smashed anyway. they turned out to be the wrong idea though... I puked all over Amanda's kitchen because of it.... Im not even talking into a garbage can or in the sink. no, I had to sit in a chair and power vomit onto the linoleum... thank god Harmon was there. he cleaned up after me:/ I dont think it was my most glorifying moment, but it made for a damned good story at work today... where I was soooo fucking hungover.

but it was ok for the most part... I just hope I didnt make as horrible a first impression as I think I did.... I hope they let me come hang out with them again, I found out they were decent people and I really didnt have that much to be scared of.

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 18:40:57 GMT

I thought I could call you anytime to talk about anything. guess not.

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 01:14:38 GMT

I feel like Im drowning.
everywhere I turn there are expectations.
I never grew out of being 5.
Im not supposed to be in love yet.
if you dont know what you need who tells you.
why cant I relax?
I fight all the time.
I need turmoil.
I need emotional baggage.
Im never going to be better.
I cant think of a good reason to wake up.
I dont want to leave my room.
Im slipping and no one catches me anymore.
what happens when the hands arent there to catch you?
what if the psychic was right?
have you done it in the past 12 months.
you eventually become the lies you tell.
what if my truth is a lie.
how much longer can I go on without what I need.
does anyone care anymore?
have I pushed everything away.
church called, maybe Ill go back.
maybe not.
its lonely lately.
I dont talk to my friends.
people use that against me.

all these thoughts running through my head... I feel like Im never alone but never with anyone else. Im in limbo and life is boring.

I wish I could leave this town and never come back. I wish I could leave everything in it and start again. all alone without any of the scars.

Im sick of all the pain, all the happiness, all the loneliness.

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 00:55:58 GMT

I wish Harmon had told Amanda that its not that I dont like any of his friends. Im intimidated by them. alot. they scare the hell out of me. Im afraid they wont like me, that Ill do something embarassing, that ill say something stupid... they always seemed to have their shit together, and I look like a bleeding idiot beside them. Im over the whole being pissed off at Chris thing, I know I was wrong and over reacted. I know that he was completely justified in calling me a bitch.... I just wish I could remember why he said that. I feel so bad for making Harmon talk to him about it when it should have been dead and buried. I guess I saw him as a threat to our relationship because he had said he hoped we broke up. which was yet again me being a dumbass. I dont know why I get so upset about things that dont matter. I was never good at being apathetic, I guess that holds true today. I just want Harmons friends to like me, but they've already got a bad first impression of me... which makes me even more apprehensive about it. I dont want to be disliked by anyone. I dont want to dislike anyone. I just wish we could all be adults and get along... I dono if that'll happen though.

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 00:29:30 GMT

Harmons little cousin called me Holly when I stopped by to let Harmon know I dropped his stuff off... I dont know how I feel about that but it's pretty much a fair comparison. we're both seen as miserable bitches who tyrannize their boyfriends and make them lose all their friends. ah well. I am a tyrant when it comes to love. shit, when it comes to anything

Harmon still isnt talking to me. I dont know what to do about that.. its kinda lonely without him. I had hoped he'd get over this and we'd be ok. but apparently this is not how things go. I dono what to do in a situation like this, Ive never been in one. caring about a person enough to let you hurt them has never been something Ive done. I let a very few people in for that reason... maybe I should have kept the policy of keeping someone thats more than a friend at a distance. but its too late for that now, I fell and I feel so I cant do anything but wait and hope it doesnt hurt.

work was shitty and long today. we ran out of food, we ran out of places for people to sit and for about 2 hours there was a 20-30 minute wait for food. it was horrible. people were angry, we were understaffed and the managers were having one hell of a time keeping everything going. I felt so bad for them.

home is ok, my uncle had to go back to the hospital again this morning, apparently he's bleeding internally again.

Im sick of wearing my heart moniter... if my heart isnt doing its job, I dont give a shit. Im allergic to the sticky pads which makes life miserable. and maybe my heart will just give out and then I wont have to worry about anything anymore. terrible thought for some people, I know, but I could use a nice long hospital stay.... I wonder if they would let me use my feather pillow and comforter in there.:P

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 22:39:47 GMT

panic... have you ever woken up that way? Ive been feeling that way all day. Ive been ready to fight, ready to run... today is the kind of day Id blow off classes and drive as far as my car would take me. I cant handle this feeling without being able to run. I have responsibilities... I have obligations.... all I want to do is get away. I feel caged and trapped. is it odd that I do this, does anyone else? Im sitting here listening to music and all I can think about is road and my engine and the feeling of escaping reality.

this bites... if I didnt have work tomorrow Id go to camp for the night and howl at the moon and sit out all night watching the stars... I havent in a long while. if I could drive away and get there.... oh I would be so much more relaxed. ah well

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 21:27:04 GMT

ok. sorry for the behavior lately, I know Ive been acting like a fuckin psycho. Im just feeling pretty run down and run over. things are bad with the boyfriend, things are bad with the family, and all my buddies are out of town. I feel like an island here. lol. Im sure things are gonna get better soon, one way or another. Ill be getting some more work pretty soon, Harmon will figure out what he wants. it probably wont be a life that includes me, but I have to be ok with that. I love him and I would rather that he was happy than with me. and he hasnt been happy with me for a while. My uncle is here because his wife left him and he may be dying, so theres an extra person around that I have to worry about constantly. I dont like the extra people in my house... I feel like my sanctuary is being violated. so thats got me on edge as well. Im missing all my friends now that Im feeling a little less antisocial... and I realize how horrible Ive been being lately to them, so the fact that they stuck by me through my latest crisis makes me realize just how special a group of people they are. thank you guys.

Im really hoping things will work out the way I want them to.... and Im really hoping for something to keep my mind off all the negative feelings Ive been having lately. something must come along right? ah well... one can hope.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 22:04:29 GMT

wonder why people think Im fuckin nuts? lol

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 18:14:28 GMT

I forgot how much pain makes you feel alive. I think that Im most alive when theres something sharp and painful hurting me in some way... something to push me, make me realize that Im not permanent. that this could be over in just a few seconds if I wanted it that way... even if I didnt sometimes. life is fragile, but without pain I feel immortal. I feel like nothing changes, everything is permanent and always will be. I feel like the people I love will always love me, the people who hate me will for eternity and this reality is going to continue forever without change. thats the way Ive felt for months now. sleep all the time, make a phone call, take a moment to IM someone. everyday things I do for months at a time like clockwork. sometimes I wake up later, sometimes I fall asleep sooner. but all the same things wait for me when I get out of my bed. when Im in pain at least the tasks take on a new flavor. Im running the risk that someone will see the blood, someone will see the cuts... maybe Ill get sick again, maybe medicine wont work and Ill end up in a hospital. who knows what can happen when you open pandoras box.

god Im pathetic

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 14:38:42 GMT

Im sorry for the entry I deleted. I was frenzied and hurt and pissed off. that was no reason to write such hateful things. Im sorry I hurt the man I love, and Im sorry I said what I said about another person I used to care about. if I could take it back completely, I would. but since its been written and read, I cant. and all I can do is be sorry for it.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 07:50:18 GMT

chivalry isnt dead afterall... and I am a lucky girl to have a wonderful man in my life to take care of me and make things right.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 05:51:20 GMT

and I thought I was doing so much better....

old habits die hard right?